i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
