Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
