I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
