I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
