Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
