made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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