My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
