Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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