i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
