Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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