I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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