Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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