Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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