I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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