party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
where are you?
Hypothermia
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
