I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
