i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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