I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
me + whiskey = a bad person
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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