I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
