i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
