I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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