Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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