It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
