i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My vagina just recognized that song.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
