good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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