literally had 100 drinks last night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
