I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
And then he peed in my hair
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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