I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
