I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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