i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
