I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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