okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
