How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
