im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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