I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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