HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
