Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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