You can't motorboat a personality
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
