"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
