Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
