it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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