Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
