We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
