Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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