I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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