I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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