I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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