how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
