Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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