did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
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WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I pour the whiskey from now on