Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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