Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
