I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
