Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
