Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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