Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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