i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I would ride that face into the sunset
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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